I slept badly last night. I was still lying awake at seven in the morning, exhausted and knowing full well that I had to get up at a half past nine. But my thoughts just wouldn't settle.
Its the same tonight. Hence me writing this at three AM.
I met him at the museum. It wasn't the first time - We've been volunteering there since school started. I've gotten to know him better each time, and each time I can't help liking him more. He isn't handome. But when he laughs my spirit soars. I can't get enough of him.
I don't know whether he's gay. He doesn't dress it, he doesn't act it. I think I pick up vibes from him, but they might just be the wistful thinking of a pathetic gay soul. Its the doubt that's driving me crazy.
His shift ends earlier than mine. He should have left at four. But he lingered, and so did I. Half an hour later, my break came up... we left the others behind. I expected him to leave at any moment. He had no reason to stay. But when I ordered a bagel and a soup, he was still there. We sat down and talked. It was one of those conversations, where we'd keep interrupting each other, both with questions to ask and things to say. But I tried too hard and I presumed too much.
"Doesn't learning about physiology make you guilty you don't work out?"
It was a shot in the dark. Worst, I realized I was implying that he didn't work out.
He hesitated and then chuckled, "Yeah, it does, actually!"
"I mean," I added quickly, "My environmental courses make
me feel guilty for not being more environmentally ethical..."
He smiled and goes, "I learn about how this or that doesn't work when people don't get enough exercise, and I think... Its definately made me work out more... I guess our courses really do influence the way we see things." I almost breathed a sigh in relief. I hadn't dodged my bullet - he'd deflected it. He'd understood completely.
We ended up talking well past my break. I got up to leave, and impulsively asked for his number, which was of course absurd. No one asks for phone numbers anymore, at least not before they ask for the person's MSN email. But again he came to my rescue and gave me both. I should have waited until he made to leave. Instead I dismissed him hurriedly, my inferiority complex getting the better of me once again.
When talking with people I like, I often check myself mentally with the question - why the heck would this person want to keep talking to me? Then I'd make to leave, so that this person wouldn't have to stand around and pretend he/she wanted to talk to me. Its an inherently self-reinforcing thought process because people perceive my actions differently.
They think its arrogance. They that
I don't want to talk to
them. I know all this, and yet I'm still doing it.
I had trouble studying that night. I had thoughts I've never had before. Like being pressed hard between him and the wall, moaning. Belt buckles unbuckling. Waking up with him next to me. There was no kissing in my fantasies. Not sure why. Maybe its because I've never done it before. Or maybe its because I see it as too much of a surrender of myself.
I was up late last night trying to find more about him online. He'd put a photo album in his MSN space. But I still did't know his last name. There's so much I still don't know. So much I so desperately want to know but am scared shitless to ask.
I really wish I could get some sleep.
