Evolution

Watch Brad's little change in expression when Evan kisses him on the hand the second time. It says a lot.



Brad and Evan have other clips of more graphic nature on their site, which just goes to show that you can be a committed couple, have unprotective sex in a threesome on regular bases, AND be pornstars on your own porn site.

Too much information? Lol.

Yeah, I've watched porn. So sue me. Actually, there's a story to this - I probably wouldn't identify myself as a gay man today if it wasn't for porn. So porn's more than fun and games for me. It says alot about where I've been and where I am now.

This is my story.

I didn't know much about sex back when it all started. I knew that the pink folded structure on my screen was a vagina but that was pretty much it. And I thought at first - this is the most disgusting body part I had ever seen... (And what was with those breasts? Was there a point when they popped?) And I was equally repulsed by the male equavlent. I had never seen an erect penis before. It seemed unaturally swollen...

Immoral, evil, depraved... that's what porn was to me.

But I adapted. It stopped being disgusting. Merely something embarrasing which made me feel slightly guilty. Like farting in public.

I decided that I was simply a guy who didn't like porn. A sensitive guy. A romantic. Lovemaking and all that crap, that was what I was into. Straight sex was a given. That was why I got off more from watching a documentary about zooplankton than naked women making wierd noises in various contorted positions. Or so I told myself.

I was shocked and repulsed by the whole concept of penetration. The guy couldn't possibly be sticking that thing down that other ass... I thought for a long time it was some trick of the camera. I wondered if it hurt. I was, however, relieved that I wasn't turned on. It seemed to confirm my straightness.

Still, I felt something wasn't quite right. The fact that I wasn't attracted to anything online bothered me. I kept searching adult sites. I told myself it was because I was looking for the visual representation of my ideal sex act. Actually, I was just looking for answers.

Eventually, I found I'd a liking for sex-scenes from mainstream movies, what most people would consider 'softcore' stuff. But I noticed patterns in my preferences which bothered me because they didn't fit neatly into my paradigm despite my efforts:

• I didn't like lesbian sex at all (rationalization: I'm a romantic. Female-female sex is unnatural);

• The flick had to show both the girl and the guy for me to be turned on (rationalization: the flick must visualize my ideal pairing);

• The guy had to be good-looking (rationalization: Naturally the guy had to be good-looking…I was obsessed with the perfect couple, after all…);

• The guy had to have a nice body (rationalization: ditto as above);

• I preferred to see more of the guy in the scene than the girl (rationalization: my ideal was of a dominant-male, subservient female relationship, therefore the male should naturally have more visibility as a reflection of this dominance);

• I started to watch female-oriented porn (rationalization: female flicks capture my ideal better).

• I liked to hear the guy moan in the sex scenes (you get the idea...)

You can only bend the rules so far before they break, and I ultimately force to confront the irrationality of my rationalization. I settled into a depression. Perhaps I was in fact so obsessed with the ideal, that I was unable to be attracted to males or females, and was therefore some sort of sexless being who’d never be able fall in love.

Fortunately, I caught this destructive thought process in time. Things in my life were beginning to add up. I began to wonder if my deliberate avoidance of gay porn up until then was not so much for moral reasons, or a lack of interest, but out of fear that it would confirm what I was beginning to fear was true. I hesitated.

Then I took the plunge.

I think the first porn-star I started to be interested in was Belami’s Johan. There was a certain carefree, naturalistic aura about him. From there, I wanted to find out more about Johan himself. So I read some of his interviews he’d done. It turned out he was a gay-for-pay porn star (a new concept to me) supporting himself in an economically depressed region in Europe.

From this, I discovered the first true thing about myself. Knowing the history of a person is absolutely essential to my attraction for people. You can only go so far with sex appeal. Its the story behind the person that, well… makes the person.

Eventually, I discovered a second truth. I’m a sucker for body language. The good porn were the ones which the guys tell you silently “there's more going on here than just sex”. When I can feel the love, I get turned on. Interestingly, most of the best ones are to be found in the "amateur" category where the sex is unscripted.

And then I learned a third and final truth. That when both of these elements, background info and body language come together in a guy-on-guy sex act… then I get really hot and bothered. Way more so than when these elements came together in straight sex.

And that’s how I accepted that I was gay. That’s where I’m at now.

To top this entry off, I thought I’d add another picture of Brad. It seems his boyfriend had strapped him to a tree. Perhaps a strategy to protest current logging practices?