Gas and God

I don't know what the heck is going on right now. I'm generally not tolerant of people who feel the desire to describe their maladies in graphic detail to anyone who's willing to listen, but this being my personal blog and all I think I have the right to express my bewilderment.

Ok, so the day before yesterday I threw up four times and made over twenty pilgrimages to the washroom, once every hour. Big deal, I had stomach flu. My ass still feels like shit from shitting so much and I didn't even get the pleasure of being fucked. But that isn't the problem either. The problem is that instead of feeling slightly delerious and farting every five minutes, I now feel fine but bloated like a balloon. Until today my gas had somewhere to go. Now it seems to just keepbuilding up in a little cavity just below my rib cage. Not only do I feel as though I'm gonna burst like a cute little bubble at any moment, I've also been feeling this strange aching in my shoulders... I had trouble sleep last night, and when I did sleep, my dreams of watermelons been cleaved had me waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the night.

Dear God, I ask for your forgiveness. Return to me my power of anal or oral release and I will never underestimate Thy holy gift or use thy gift wantonly in Thy House on Sunday mornings ever again.

By the way, I did actually go to church this week. Its been a long time. Went with a friend on a whim, since it was right across the street from our apartment, and my friend was curious because being an international student from China he really didn't understand the whole Christian thing (Once, I asked him what he thought people did in church, he said, "um... they sing some songs, right?") United Church, however, is um... rather different from the Christian churches I've been to, I must say. Though in a good way. There was an hour of activism for left-wing causes (aboriginal rights, gay-marriage, social justice, etc, etc) with no attempts at political correctness (The pastor just about said everything short of calling Harper the Antichrist), followed by a sermon prophesizing environmental catastrophe from global warming unless people didn't wake up. Yes..... very good indeed. Now if God would just let me rediscover my inner farting abilities, I'm all ready to be a born-again Christian.

My friend, incidentally, thought the singing was awesome.